scattered thoughts moving in harmony

random thoughts

Sat, 03 Dec 2005 17:11:00 GMT

its been a long time since i have posted anything. been really down lately. i think the post partum has finally hit me. not even excited for the holiday's. maybe after we get the tree today it will help. i really miss being in touch with everyone. i think thats part of the problem. i have cut myself off as i try to deal. it really sucks when you cry at the drop of a hat. most days i am ok and then an overwhelming fear and sadness sits on my shoulders. its like someone is second guessing every thought that i have and every move that i make. its really wierd. i am really hoping that it doesn't rub off on dan or dylan. i keep trying to think of how lucky we are and how blessed we are but then that black cloud appears and ruins everything. i have been thinking about righting again. its always helped me in the past. i don't know whats holding me up though. i need to move on i guess and try to be happy. i am happy deep down but the doubt that i currently have is really weighing on that. my self worth is low and that is in no way dans fault. he is doing what he can to help me. its me and i know it.

on a happier note, dylan is walking. that makes me sad but happy at the same time. i couldn't believe how pleased he looked when he walked toward me the other night. he was so excited that he did it himself. he doesn't like to hold your hand and try it yet. he is so independent. i am looking forward to christmas morning, its going to be fun watching him with his new toys.

the world looks so peaceful right now covered with snow. it almost soundproofs everything. winter used to be my favorite time of year until the fear set in. i need to over come the fear and be able to live again. i need to find the cause of the fear first though before it takes over everything.

we are going christmas shopping today. i had ordered something on line for a gift exchange but it has not come in yet. i am disappointed but i will live. the exchange is tomorrow so i have to find something else. once dan gets up i assume he will be hungry and want to leave. dylan is currently napping and i should be taking the time to straighten up the house. i have had the stomach flu for the past few days so i haven't done much of anything. it will be nice to get out of the house for something other than work.

Thu, 06 Oct 2005 15:53:58 GMT

arien_mommy dylan says THANK YOU AUNTIE KARI!!!!!!!

Wed, 28 Sep 2005 03:01:59 GMT

so much has happened in the past week. last wednesday they let our marketing director go. what a total shock to everyone. we all knew things were bad but we didn't realize they were that bad. then on friday they let 2 of our customer service people go. that really shocked us. we are now down to the bare bones in the office. are customers are getting worried. i have a job only because they are out of people to let go for right now. i am looking but there is nothing in my price range. it is really discourageing when you send resumes out and get no response. so many employers are requesting "no phone calls" it makes you wonder if your resume got filed in the trash before it made it anywhere else. i am trying to make the best of things at work, its hard with SO much negativity. I have been thinking about different things i would like to do with my life (most of which revolves around winning the lottery) and then the realistic things. unfortunately since i don't want to teach my BA in English means nothing. anything else i need to go back to school for. i have concerned nail tech (12 week program/2000k), radiolagy (2 year program/3000k), philbodomy (i think i spelled it right 2 year program/2000k) and no finacial aid for any of it. i have to work and i don't want to work and go to school. that's too long to be away from dan and dylan. i am really trying to have faith that somebody has a plan for me and i just need to go with the flow and it will eventually work out. i hope.

Wed, 21 Sep 2005 01:38:36 GMT

my back still hurts. the medicine is currently not working. i am so whiny right now.

from moonskrye

Wed, 21 Sep 2005 01:34:04 GMT

LJ Interests meme results

bbc television:
i love the comedy. there is just something about the dry humor that gets to me.
buffy the vampire slayer:
i admit it. i watched the whole series. and the reruns. i would have loved to be her. the power she must have felt.
coffee and teas:
my main drinks. we currently have 3 different flavors of coffee and 10 types of tea in the cubbard. my aunts got me started on the tea when i was little and its my favorite.
discworld:
there is something about a world that revolves around on a turtle that has to grab you. the books make you laugh and realize that you know people like that.
hanging out:
something that i don't get to do enough of. just sitting and talking to friends and loved ones is something i miss. the silence is nice also. i need to make time to do more
impressionism:
i love impressionism. the feelings and the passions that went into the paintings. the imagery that pops out. i find it more realistic that a basic portrait or still life
ljmaps:
something that i find interesting. i love knowing where things and people are.
mystery writers:
i read more and more mysteries as i get older. some are very obvious, some actually make me think. the older ones are my favorite. not as much violence but gruesome just the same.
old movies:
i love the movies from the late 30's, 40's and 50's. the acting was pure and it was about the audience then not how much they were paid. it was a time of talent, not computer enhancement. they don't make movies like that anymore
trading spaces:
i love trading spaces. my husband hates it and some of the home improvement ideas i get from it. i think its great some of the stuff they do and would love to get on the show sometime

Enter your LJ user name, and 10 interests will be selected from your interest list.

Tue, 20 Sep 2005 01:44:53 GMT

i hurt my back. i actually went to the doctor because it hurts so bad. i now have neoproxin and a muscle relaxent to take for the next 7 days. they said it would take 3 days for the muscle relaxent to work. i can't take the full dose because it makes me sleepy. this really sucks.

work sucked today. not sure why. i really couldn't pinpoint it. i really just don't like being there. i need to decide what i want to do with my life and take the plunge. too scared to do it right now.

mom and i got into a small disagreement. actually, i got upset as she told me how selfish my husband is and how i should quit living my life to please him. it started because we are going on vacation next week and they are watching dylan. they asked if i would bring the crib down. she said if she thought i was going to have another one, she would just buy a crib. i told her it was up to dan, i wouldn't mind having a second child but it will be up to him. thats when she started in on him. again. i don't get it, dylan is only 8 months old yet everyone wants to know when the next one is on the way. i am really happy with just 1 child. is that so wrong right now. i don't have the mental strength to deal with another one right now. she said its not fair to me that all of our decisions are based on what dan wants and not what i want. since no one has bothered to ask me what i want that's not a fair comment.

life sucks right now.

Thu, 15 Sep 2005 03:09:21 GMT

dylan got his first tooth today!!!

Tue, 13 Sep 2005 01:19:38 GMT

my cousin died today. she had brain cancer. she was 76 years old and too young to die. it is a sad day. i will miss her.

rest in peace, doris. you will be missed

Mon, 12 Sep 2005 02:07:34 GMT

i just found i royally screwed up my checkbook. this is really not good!! i am not sure what i did either or how it happened. i think i got low one day and i haven't caught up since. i hate asking dan for money. i could take it out of the savings and he would never know but i feel like i am lying to him when i do that. things will be back to normal in about 2 weeks but this really sucks. i guess thats why we have seperate accounts. at least i didn't screw up both our accounts!

Sun, 11 Sep 2005 03:13:10 GMT

we had my sister in law and her boys over for dinner. dan's brother was thankfully at work. we had a good time. the boys were great. after i gave dylan his bath, alex wanted one. hey if the kid wants a bath, who am i to tell him NO? he splashed and played for about 30 minutes. probably the cleanest he has been all week.

alex has to have another surgery. this will be his 3rd in 2 years. the opening of his bladder isn't wide enough and its causing problems. they also found his kidneys are not working right, one's at 30% and the other is at 60%. they haven't told susan what that means yet. she has to meet with the doctor next week to find out how they can fix it. i feel so bad for her. they have major money issues, their oldest had ADHD and now this. she is handling it well.

dylan had a bad day yesterday. he wouldn't eat. i know is gums are bothering him really bad. he finally had 2 jars of food and 2 bottles before he went to bed. i think he made up for it today cause he was a piggy. i wish those teeth would pop through soon though. he is so miserable.

i started tia chi today. I LOVED IT. even after the first class, i felt so relaxed. right now its a 6 week thing, i am hoping to continue it if i can keep it up. its one saturday mornings so that shouldn't be hard, not like i can sleep in anymore. dan thought about coming with me but decided i should have something that is mine. i think he would enjoy it. he is going to start running again so he can have his me time. i will say this: tia chi will definately help with the tummy muscles. the type we are studying has a lot of don't move your hips move your upper body moves. lots of core control.

snagged from arien_mommu

Sun, 11 Sep 2005 03:03:27 GMT

Your Birthdate: December 23

With a birthday on the 23rd of the month (5 energy) you are inclined to work well with people and enjoy them.
You are talented and versatile, very good at presenting ideas.
You may have a tendency to get itchy feet at times and need change and travel.

You tend to be very progressive, imaginative and adaptable.
Your mind is quick, clever and analytical.
A restlessness in your nature may make you a bit impatient and easily bored with routine.
You may have a tendency to shirk responsibility.
Very sociable, you make friends easily and you are an excellent traveling companion.

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

very clever.

Wed, 07 Sep 2005 01:27:01 GMT

i dreamt of my uncle last night. he wanted to know why i was so angry with him. we talked. i told him. he said he was sorry. i woke up feeling so much better. still feeling guilty but i assume that will pass.

from whiskygirl8

Tue, 30 Aug 2005 02:39:19 GMT

there are days i wish...

You Are Likely an Only Child

At your darkest moments, you feel frustrated.
At work and school, you do best when you're organizing.
When you love someone, you tend to worry about them.

In friendship, you are emotional and sympathetic.
Your ideal careers are: radio announcer, finance, teaching, ministry, and management.
You will leave your mark on the world with organizational leadership, maybe as the author of self-help books.

The Birth Order Predictor

Tue, 30 Aug 2005 01:30:16 GMT

what a weekend. it seemed to go so fast. we saw a dinner theatre production on saturday that a friend of mine was in. i havent laughed that hard in ages. i am so glad that we went.

dan's sister stayed the night on friday. how annoying can 1 little person be. she is so rude. we were sitting talking in the morning and she looks at me and says, you know my brother doesn't want anymore kids. i just looked at here amazed that she would say that. i told her it hadn't been discussed yet given dylan isn't even a year old. she really can be rude

sunday we spent the day at my parents. that was unexpected. dylan swan for about 2 hours. at dinner he grabbed a piece of steak off my dad's plate and started knawing on it. it was so funny. of course i didn't have my camera. i was happy that he started eating his baby food though. he seems to be liking it more and more.

Sat, 27 Aug 2005 02:10:29 GMT

out of 3 brothers why did she have to pick my house???? as soon as she pulled up shes like come on lets go to the bar. then she sulks because dan reminds her we can't leave the baby. since i am not much of a bar person, i told them to go ahead. he can't drink cause he has to work at 3 am but still.

Sat, 27 Aug 2005 01:30:01 GMT

my sister in law just called to tell us she is on the way over. GREAT!! the house is a mess to. dan got called off for the beginning of his shift. i hope gets called off for the rest. we did get to go out to dinner which was nice. we are trying to get more us time lately. things have just been wierd.
i have been thinking about going into radiology. i need to do some research for it but i thought it sounded interesting. we will see. it will only work if a) i lose my job and don't have a choice or b) we win the lotterly. maybe things will change for us soon.
today was a good day. i hope i have more

Fri, 26 Aug 2005 03:22:35 GMT

well we were going to take dylan to the circus last night. can you believe it was $20.00 a ticker per adult and $7.00 per child. for a one hour performance. we nearly died. the place was packed too. we ended up watching the elephant for a while and then coming home. dan said we could stay but i could justify spending over $40.00 on something dylan isn't going to remember.

when we got home my neighbors where practicing their kata's and new moves. i really miss my karate classes. we just don't have the cash for them right now. anyway, they were sparring and asked if i would like to participate. i hadn't had that much fun in ages. unfortunately i paid for it today. after 3 unmonitored rounds, my shoulder is killing me. if it isn't better by monday i am going to have it checked out. my neighbor was telling me about this tai chi class she was going to join, its a 6 week course for $40.00. I asked her to sign me up too. at least it will give me a chance to meet some other people and get out of the house. 1 hour a week for 6 weeks, i didn't think that was too bad.

dylan and i played a lot tonight. he tried climbing up the starts. oh i am so not ready for this. then he came up and tried to eat my chin, if it wasn't so funny it would definately be gross. dan is working tonight and i really miss him. i like our together when dylan goes to bed. at least its only for 2 nights.

Wed, 24 Aug 2005 02:22:16 GMT

wow. i can't believe how long its been since i have had time to do this. dan's working over tonight and dylan's sleeping. i really need to make more time for me. i am really in need of me time
i had a jewelry party on sunday for a friend of mine. i misunderstood the hostess benefits though. i thought i got 30% off any item. here i get 30% in free jewelry of my total sales. that equals about 190.00 so far. how excited am i. like i need more jewelry. well maybe i do.

i sent another resume out today. we will see how this one goes. last job they said i wanted too much money. who would have thought that an administrative assistent would only make 9.00 an hour. that is insane. not to sure about this one though. i am trying to think positive.
i got flowers at work today. one of my customers sent them to me right before i got the letter that he was changing labs. it was a sweet thought though. unfortunately i am not getting enough new sales to replace the old ones. its not for a lack of trying. i guess i will keep trying.

we are taking dylan to the circus tomorrow. i can't w ait. he loves animals. it is a REALLY small one so i think he will have a good time. i just want to see the elephants. we took him to the parade on saturday. he did really well, it was really hot and long. he loved the bands and the horses. we wanted to take him to a local animal rescue on monday but i found out they are closed on mondays. on well, there is always the weekend.

he finally ate some baby food. i am not sure what changed but now he is actually opening up his mouth. i was so excited because he ate half a jar for dinner plus some fruit. the things i will get excited for lately!

i spend my life behind...

Sat, 25 Jun 2005 02:29:12 GMT

i feel so behind in everything lately! i think i need to prioritize more. i am happy because dylan is sleeping through the night again (he had a cold that prevented him from breathing correctly) and he is eating semi solid food. he had a ton of mashed potatoes tonight and managed to get most of them in his mouth. i wish i would have had my camera with me.

i applied for a new job. i hope to hear from them next week. it is for an administrative assistent. i don't know what the job summary is or how much it pays. a friend of mine works for the company and told me about it. she said she would put in a good word for me. i am really praying that this pans out for me. i really could use the change.

we are finishing our patio this weekend and dan is looking at buying a new truck tomorrow. we are supposed to have central air installed next week. i really hope so because it is REALLY hot.

arien_mommy comes home next week for a visit. i am really looking forward to it.

i am having a hard time concentrating lately. not sure if i am getting depressed or if its the heat. i hope it passes soon.

borrowed from moonskrye

Sat, 25 Jun 2005 02:23:42 GMT

shadowfairie is nervous.

Shakey, shakey. Parkinson's patients keep inviting you to join their community and you don't know why. I'll tell you why: you're too damn high strung for your own good. Chill out, yo.

brought to you by interim32. wanna know your lj's moodring color? enter your user name and hit the button. (discussion thread)

Thu, 26 May 2005 02:27:16 GMT

what a week. i am still reeling from my uncles death. the things that i am finding out that he did turn my stomach. the bad thing is, he kept a journal so we have everything in writing. it makes me very sad that someone could purposely hurt their family the way he did mine.

dan wrecked his car on monday. he only got a bump on the head and he didn't have dylan with him. that was a good thing. bent the frame on his car though. bad. insurance is picking up the tab. we have an awesome rental. he is lucky he was not killed. he hit a cement barrier at 70mph. i told him i was too young to be a widow and i wasn't ready to let him go. i hope that he pays more attention to what he is doing.

lots of changes going on. dylan is starting to hold his own bottle. he is trying to crawl. we have started cereal, however, not going so well. i got put back on full salary due to the bad finacial status of my company. i fully believe things are going to turn around for us. if not, i have plan b and c brewing in the back of my head. things happen for a reason even if we don't always understand at the time.
i am trying to overcome the depression that has settled on me. i feel so overwhelmed. i know it is mostly my own fault. i expect so much out of myself and i hate to ask for help. dan has been great, he is really trying to help me out of it. i told him i thought i was having a nervous breakdown. hopefully things will get better. its almost friday! i have a 3 day weekend and a 3 day work week next week. happy day!

Wed, 11 May 2005 03:36:12 GMT

i saw the most horrible thing today on my way home. someone had hit a deer but it was still trying to move. it looked like the back or the back legs were broken. i just started to cry. i couldn't begin to imagine the pain the poor animal was suffering. i called 911 and spoke to the highway patrol. i hope they were able to put it out of its misery. i can't believe the who ever hit it didn't call someone.

i went shopping today for me for a change. i bought 3 skirts without trying them on. i still haven't gotten the courage up to try them on either. maybe tomorrow.

its just been one of those days.

Sun, 08 May 2005 01:46:32 GMT

it has been one hell of a week. thursday morning my uncle passed away. he has been sick for quite a while, so we knew it was coming. i took thursday off to be with my mom, he was her brother. i went to the funeral home with her and the family to make the arrangements. what a horrible experience. see, my uncle was 1) gay (very nice partner but he is a basket case right now), 2) unemployed and 3) basically homeless. he was also my grandmothers favorite child (she prefered him over everyone including my grandfather. this was a source of many arguments). the decision was made to cremate my uncle. he, in one of his rare lucid moments decided that and it is much less expensive. legally his partner should take the ashes to do with what he pleases. my grandmother actually had a temper tantrum (she is 81!) because she wants them. I am not sure why but she does. in a great act of kindest, the partner said fine. she argued with everything that was decided. it was like she was the only one that lost someone. i couldn't believe she was being so selfish. Friday we had a private viewing for family only. it was hard. my uncle was only 56. i tried so hard not to cry since my mom and aunt were already not doing well. even my brother cried a little. then we all started to laugh. we talked about little things he would have liked. it was nice. dylan was there and he was a nice distraction for everyone. the funeral home even let his partner bring their dog in to say good bye. today was the memorial service. my uncle did not believe in church. the home had a pastor come in to preform the service. he did a wonderful job. dan came with me and i almost lost it when we went up to see the pictures we had on display. lots of family and friends came which made it easier for my grandparents. still, i did not cry so my mom would have someone other than my dad to lean on. i still cannot believe he is gone. this was so preventable. we really think that he just gave up and gave into the illness. i am very angry at him for that. many things that have happened to him over the last 2 years were preventable. i think that he wanted to die. i an trying to get over my anger at him, but i didn't realize how deep it was. i feel very guilty for that. i am very sad that he is gone and the tears come at the oddest times. poor dan just doesn't know what to do with me right now. i look at dylan and cannot image losing him. i have no idea what my grandparents are going through right now. i know they are heartbroken. no one should have to bury their child. i look at my brother and try to image not having him. i can't do it. i thnk it was a little easier for my dad because he has already buried his parents. he handles grief differently because of it. i think he knew how hard i was trying not to cry so i didn't upset my mom. she really would have understood but i knew how much she needed someone. i did cry a little at some of the stuff we talked about but i think in my own way i started grieving for him 2 years ago when he started getting sick. i hope things get easier. they have too.

Fri, 29 Apr 2005 02:37:33 GMT

one of my coworkers was fired yesterday. no one really knows why. it was kinda wierd. we all thought he was doing a good job. i don't understand why they get rid of the people they shouldn't and don't get rid of the ones that they should!

i listened to bush's proposal for social security. from what i heard, it might be a good idea. now i need to do some research on it before i form an opinion. i couldn't listen to him too long, he really bugs me!

i need to catch up on my journal and reading. i hope everyone is well. hopefully i can get caught up soon, dylan is sleeping through the night which is making life very nice!

Sun, 24 Apr 2005 16:06:20 GMT

i picked up a fussy dylan this morning. he looked at me, swallowed and a fountain of formula came up all over me. at least he wasn't cranky after that!